i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My penis needs a shock collar
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
And my parents said I crawled through the house
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
