last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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