so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
