Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
