if i can run in heels then i can drive
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
