Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
