: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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