i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
