If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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