I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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