I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
