I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
