i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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