my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Found the puke drawer
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
