in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
