i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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