I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
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If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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