i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
