I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
