R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
