i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
