FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
