My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
