and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he thought i was a dude.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
