I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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