Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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