Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
