I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
