im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
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