I met the friendliest cop last night
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
