I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
