I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
