I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
