dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
