Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
