apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
