I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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