hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
