At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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