what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
