Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
