i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
