I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
