the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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