I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
