my mouth tastes like poor choices
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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