Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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