He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
