This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
