Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
