my phone needs a breathalizer
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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