Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
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He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
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When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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