Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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