Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
