oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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